I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
