she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
