1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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