Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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