Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
