i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
