i wish my penis had a tongue
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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