If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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