Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
