im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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