I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I die, sorry about rent.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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