Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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