oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
