There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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