I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
