Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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