well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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