Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
