He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
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he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
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Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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