I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
