I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
