My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
