even my farts smell like vagina
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
