Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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