My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
