Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
