if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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