To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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