weddingsv make me drug and hornr
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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