He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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