I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
