im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
