I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
