Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
