I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
