no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
