getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
