someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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