the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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