This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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