why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
