Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
