So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
