You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
