Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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