I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
