We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
