dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
