She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
