Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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