Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
