I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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