he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
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I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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