Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
