Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
