Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
