I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
