I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
