I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
