Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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