I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
